and now the nerves

I'm procrastinating going to sleep tonight. I'm not ready to count in hours instead of days. I love the way I feel just before leaving for a trip. I feel like I'm not really going anywhere at all but just playing make-believe. And at the same time, I feel like I'm leaving forever. I look at all the buildings in the city like I'm saying goodbye, like I still haven't loved them enough to leave them yet. I appreciate them more. I appreciate the starkness of the sidewalks unbroken by trees. I fall in love with the aesthetics of the neighborhood, tops of houses against a startlingly unstriking sky. The smallness and the concrete. And I wonder how much I'll miss it while I'm gone.